Bitcoin gets removed from top slot on CoinMarketCap

While the majority of the crypto market cites nominal gains, there's one token completely wiping out the rest. And it's the biggest shitcoin of them all.

Toilet Paper Token (TPT)—CoinMarketCap's foolish gag coin—is up 1,123% today, swiping the top spot from under Bitcoin's legs. However, unfortunately for those looking to get in on the gains, TPT is already out of stock. 

According to its lengthy "wipe paper," TPT employs smut contracts to keep track of the total number of rolls users have purchased. All in an effort to ensure against hoarding.

"Holding TPT ensures wiper integrity and the fair distribution of toilet paper worldwide," reads the wipe paper. "Our dignified roll is to maintain our position at our rarefied spot at the 'turd level,' where love and belonging abounds."

With stocks low, the TPT team is planning an 'airplop." And if that fails, there's always the Initial Scattering Offering.

Per the asset's wipe paper, the token includes a stringent regulatory scheme to keep the SEC happy.

"Our Know-Your-Colon (KYC) process works with our bog-standard proof-of-wipe chain, facilitating each user's KYC check that they are able to wipe by themselves, as users that don't fall into this category are unable to participate in the token sale," reads the document.

Economist Nouriel Roubini gets his way

The notion of Toilet Paper Token didn’t appear out of the blue. On March 15, economist Nouriel Roubini, who has long had a problem with Bitcoin and cryptocurrencies, posted a video on Twitter—first featured on video-sharing platform TikTok—of a man paying for coffee using toilet paper.

Roubini, a professor at New York University's Stern School of Business, commented that “soon most folks will run out of income/savings and their credit lines too. So to survive they need to resort to some other means of payment that liquifies some existing useful asset folks already hold.” 

“That is where TP [toilet paper] comes handy,” he adds. “So maybe someone should rather create a virtual version of TP currency that to be credible gotta be fully backed by actual TP.”

He added that Toilet Paper Token will be a “100% fully asset backed currency” and “more useful than gold.”

Jokes aside, CoinMarketCap touches on an almost comical reality. In the wake of Covid-19 and the subsequent panic buying that followed, there's been a mass shortage of toilet paper worldwide.

But like everything in crypto, it will go from joke to reality faster than Jackson Palmer can say “Dogecoin.”